We discuss self-reflection in the context of people who get it and don’t get it. I discuss the implications of not getting it and what you can do about it. This discussion is available in audio, text and video format.
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Are you someone who gets it?
In this episode, I discuss self-reflection in the context of people who get it and don’t get it. I discuss the implications of not getting it and what you can do about it. I will provide easy, concrete steps you can take today, if you suffer from stress, anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia. However, this information applies to anyone. Learn more by listening to this podcast.
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One quality that I’ve always found admirable in others is the ability to come around. I’ll explain what I mean. There are many people that might get frustrated or make a bad decision. But after doing so they have a good tendency to do some self-reflection. Adjust their perspective on the situation. Make the right decision in the end. This what I mean by coming around. These are people that “get it.”
And, unfortunately, there are people who just don’t get it.
There are generally two categories of people who don’t get it:
those who simply don’t get it
And,
those who seem to get it but really don’t get it. As an example, they say things like “yeah I know what you mean” or “yeah I get it,” but then their future behaviour demonstrates that they really didn’t get it.
It could be that they rationalize their own contradictions by telling themselves things like “No that doesn’t apply to me.”
Another way of describing such behaviour is a double standard. It is subtle though. However, that doesn’t mean it is not harmful. It can drastically affect one’s life.
One individual I came across with this tendency worked with me in a volunteer organization. Many of the other volunteers often found his comments to be overly critical and obnoxious.
He felt he was just being honest with them. But he really did provide feedback in a critical way. He was a hard worker, but he had absolutely no insight into his behaviour. One day I was talking with him and learned that he had volunteered for a number of other organizations in the past.
An obvious pattern emerged: he would work in an organization for a while and then his relations with others soured. He viewed the other volunteers as the cause of such situations, in that others in the organization would not see things his way. In his mind, his way was the right way and anything else was the wrong way. This pattern had continued for a number of years.
Often those more junior to him would put up with his behaviour because they had no choice. He would point to these people not taking issue with his comments as justification that his overly critical comments were really not be that bad.
One day he asked me and another person for some feedback. He held us in high esteem so he was open to our input. We were very careful to provide our feedback in a gentle way. We even opened up about our own shortcomings. He was surprised by this at first but by the end of our talk, he saw the value of improving relations with others. He saw the implications of repeating the pattern of behaviour where his relations with others were soured.
In the end, he agreed to speak with an industrial organizational psychologist who did some work for the organization. This psychologist then referred him to another psychologist who agreed to work with him on improving his perspective taking and communication.
The process was helpful for him because it allowed him to self-reflect. Had the individual not been open to hearing feedback and working with another to help him then I doubt he would have been able to change his behaviour. A motivational way to think of this issue if you have such a problem is: if you don’t learn to “get it” you will always suffer from toxic relationships in the end.
People will avoid closeness with you because there is this quirk. And you don’t recognize it.
I’m not talking about regular idiosyncrasies we all have, but more major ones like I described above.
How important is this tendency helpful for someone deal with stress, anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia?
It’s very important.
I’ll explain why by using another example.
A woman that I knew was very anxious and had a very dim view of ever being able to recover from her panic disorder. She was not open to help, even though she thought that she was trying.
After talking with some friends who were honest with her in a cordial way she eventually saw that although she was making an initial honest effort, she was not really putting a full effort into her recovery. Once she saw how doing so would allow her to experience the benefits, she agreed to work with a psychologist to give such techniques another try. This resulted in her improving her condition quite dramatically and quickly.
This is why it is important to “get it” when it comes to your anxiety.
Because if you don’t get it, you are closed off. You may not utilize strategies that are right under your nose. In order to gain access to the effect of those strategies you need to be able to get it.
So “getting it” really refers to doing something to help address challenges that are blocking you from a better life. But you first have to recognize your blind spots.
You have to be emotionally available. If you’re just doing things in a robotic way it’s not very helpful.
Also, if you do give something an honest effort and it doesn’t prove very helpful: you are not limited to one strategy. There are multiple things that you can do to get better and we share them through our material at Panic Attack Recovery.
In conclusion, the secret to “getting it” is really about thinking about your challenges in simplistic terms.
Ask yourself: what are the things I’m not getting in life?
For the anxiety sufferer, it could start with asking what help is available, that he/she might have overlooked?
Or maybe you are aware of various techniques. However, you have to ask yourself the following:
Have I been open to these techniques?
Have I really tried them? In other words, have you made an honest effort?
If you have trouble with recognizing what things you may be overlooking, consider obtaining help from a professional.
Ultimately you have to be the one to make the decision to move forward in this regard. Being cajoled by others will unlikely be helpful for you. You have to make a commitment to change.
- Schedule time into your calendar to be more self-reflective of your actions and reactions.
- Remember the rewards of the self-reflective process: it can help your anxiety, improve your relationships with others and improve the quality of your life in general.
And anyone can suffer from such a problem. It is not specific to any socioeconomic, professional or intellectual status.
To be fair: I believe that everyone should carry out this process of self-reflection.
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