In a previous episode, I discussed how the fear of the unknown can prevent us from really experiencing life.
In another episode, I took the concept beyond fear and suggested that you might consider looking at times in your life when you might feel helpless, or simply unable to get things done, perhaps even with routine tasks.

In this episode (and now also video series), I discuss how perfectionism over the petty things in life can bring us down and create stress and anxiety. But there’s a way out. I will discuss how you can let go of the petty things in life.I discuss how the petty things in life can bring us down and create stress and anxiety. This involves perfectionism and procrastination. But there’s a way out. I will discuss how you can let go of the petty things in life. Available in text and audio format.

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I want to discuss something I am describing as: Letting Go of the Petty.

Let me provide some examples.  I’ll start by focusing on some examples of others’ petty behaviours because these are easier to see at first.

Have you known people who are completing a task and they are doing a really good job, from your perspective, but they notice a small imperfection and they might end up starting over again.  Or they might end up holding back the completion of their task because they cannot let the small imperfection go.

Have you ever really worked hard on something only to be met with criticism by someone on a small point?  They don’t seem to understand how hard you might have worked on the task.

Think of someone you know who typically has miserable disposition.  They will likely be very critical and petty.  Constantly trying to find faults in others in not likely a positive or productive activity.

Think of a time when you were really unhappy and unproductive and you were likely focused on the petty.  Everything started to feel like an effort. Even if you did something like drop your pen on the floor.  It might feel like such an effort just to pick it up.  This is because the petty has brought you down.

So a great way to think about focusing on the petty is that it is a great way to accomplish two things 1) Be unhappy 2) Be unproductive

I hope this might be a helpful factor in motivating you to change, if this is one of your tendencies, as is the case for so many people.

However, consider something else:

Often you might notice your own tendencies to feel the need to do everything “perfectly” as a way of feeling better.  You might seek the approval of others by doing such a good job.  However, others might not have the same enthusiasm for your efforts.

Dr. David Burns in his book, When Panic Attacks, discusses these tendencies as Performance Perfectionism, Perceived Perfectionism and Approval Addiction.  Why this is important to understand is that how detrimental these behaviours can be for the individual who is exercising perfectionism.  It is true that there may be times when everyone around you is very impressed by what you have done.  However, in reality, because we are all individuals, differences of opinion and preferences through the law of averages means that you will eventually encounter people who don’t prefer what you have done.

This of course doesn’t mean you’ve actually done a bad job.  But it does mean that if you are someone who seeks perfectionism and approval you will be drawn into petty comments and criticisms.  It has to work this way because if you think about it if you are seeking the approval of others, and suddenly you are encountering someone who doesn’t approve this will lead to stress and frustration.

Yet another problem is that most people don’t realize when they themselves are focused on petty things. But they notice others doing it.

So the natural question is what exactly do you do if you find yourself overly focused on the petty, and reaching for perfectionism and approval of others?

The next time you’re doing something just examine whether you’ve done an adequate job as opposed to being perfect. If it’s not perfect but it’s good enough then in many cases this is the standard.   At least far as routine tasks.

A true perfectionist can’t stop doing this easily so it takes practice.  But trust me it’s worth it.  It can be very freeing.

Now I’m not saying to lower your standards entirely. And I know that some people given this suggestion will feel uncomfortable.  There are some tasks that actually require you to do a very good job but other things that don’t require the same standard.  You will need to take an inventory of your life and see what fits into each category.

This process starts with the realization that there’s a time and place for doing a good job but absolute perfection is a concept not an objective reality.  Moreover we often tend to aim for perfection where it’s totally unnecessary.  If we did this less, we could be much freer and happier.

Again, take a moment to reflect on this comment: there’s a time and place for doing a good job but absolute perfection is a myth and most people aim for perfection where it’s totally unnecessary.

I would suggest that the most helpful strategy is to learn to move away from fearing disapproval and instead better preparing to look at the types of criticisms that are naturally going to arise in life.  In other words, you simply anticipate some general criticisms and have a response that you feel would be adequate to the insult.

Let’s say that someone criticizes your work as a little dull but overall you know that your work is well received by people who benefit from your products.  You could actually disarm the insult by thanking the person for sharing their opinion and feedback (if you feel the need to do so) and indicating that you will think about it.  You’re not lying and you’re not being defensive.  But there’s more: this is when it is going to be really important to realize that it is never going to be possible to please everyone.  You know that you did a good job in your work and made a sincere effort.

I am not saying this is an easy process at first, but over time, you can change how you process such petty criticisms.  At the same time, some people we interact with might have a very negative disposition and it’s very hard to take their criticism.  However the feedback they shared with you, although in a mean spirited way, might have some merit.  The beauty with this approach is that your initial response in either case would start out the same.  Again: You could actually disarm the insult by thanking the person for sharing their opinion and feedback (if you feel the need to do so) and indicating that you will think about it.  In this case maybe you decide to tweak your work, maybe you don’t.

However the difference is that you are now processing things through the lens of doing what you feel is best with the feedback, but this decision is not based on pleasing others, but rather, reflecting on whether you think the criticism warrants a change.

I would also like to motivate you with the work of Psychologist Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi.(me high chick zent me high).  For many years, he has discussed and popularized the term “flow.”

He describes flow as “A state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter; the experience is so enjoyable that people will continue to do it even at great cost, for the sheer sake of doing it.”

If you therefore think about a state of flow, this is not a state of stress and anxiety.  This is a state of doing what you really enjoy.  Think of a time when you were really happy or productive, you were not focused on the petty.  So thinking about what you’d like to be doing in order to get into a state of flow can be a sure way to get your head out of focusing on the petty things in life.

Because every time we are not carrying out a flow experience, we are more open to focusing on things that we do not enjoy.  In other words, negative thoughts, feelings, discomfort, and things that are quite petty.

This is a helpful understanding to possess because if you are finding yourself focused on the petty things in life it is a good sign that you are not in a state of flow.  At least you should stop what you are doing and ask yourself if you are focused on the petty or in a state of flow.

Moreover, this concept is important for people trying to control stress in their lives, and let’s face it, that is everyone.  Therefore the remedy for our tendency to focus on the petty is to learn to enjoy life by focusing more on those things that matter to us.

You know, in previous podcasts, I have focused on concepts such as feeling some fear and discomfort at first and proceeding with an activity.  I pointed out that one might stay in their comfort zone because in the short term it feels better.  But when it comes to focusing on the petty things, this is not the case.  It never really feels good, rather it is simply something that we do without even being aware that we are doing it.

Successful people in any endeavor don’t do this as much.  They let go of petty.  They have to in order to move forward. I would like to challenge you to do the same.  I think if you do, you will have much less stress and anxiety, and consciously focus more on what things bring you joy in life.  Go ahead and give this a try.

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